Title: I AM

Gender: Male

Age: 43

Sun Sign: Sagittarius

Chinese Sign: Fire Horse

Location: Florala, AL

Childhood: Very happy and at peace for a while, but then confused by my religious upbringing (Baptist and Assembly of God). Came to believe in a God that was vengeful and wraithful. Began to bear a terrible burden of “learned guilt”. Grew up in rural south Alabama.

Adolescent: Came to realize and understand being gay and experienced extreme and unbearable guilt. Turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with the emotional pain.

Teens: Used some combination of drugs and alcohol almost daily. Denied and repressed my “terrible secret". Meanwhile, excelled in school and in many extracurricular activities: anything to “make up for” and keep anyone from suspecting me of being gay. Prayed and cried myself to sleep nearly every night hoping that God would “fix” me.

Early 20's: Became an ordained minister in a very fanatical and fundamentalist “Christian” organization (“Christian Fellowship Church”). Devoted 100% of my effort, my time, and my money to this church.

Mid 20's: Gave up on religion and the idea that, if I was devout enough, someday God would “fix” me and I would wake up straight.  Walked away from church and anything remotely religious. I became totally self-indulgent which led to total drug and alcohol addiction. During this time, I rebuilt and then destroyed my life over and over. I caused INTENSE SUFFERING for myself and everyone in my life, particularly those closest to me.

Early to mid 30's: Began earnestly seeking spiritual answers. Sought out Vipassana meditation instruction and encountered basic Buddhist spiritual teachings (among others). Began the process of accepting myself and letting go of guilt. Still struggled with addiction and continued to periodically destroy everything I had accomplished and to cause suffering for self and others.

Mid 30's: Continued meditation practice sporadically. Truly came to understand the difference between spirituality and religion. Encountered the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, Ken Wilber and many others. Finally accepted full responsibility for everything that I had (and was) experiencing.

Late 30's: Continued to nurture my spirit and made major life changes. Began meditating daily. Still suffered occasional relapses, but came out of them much quicker than before.          

Early 40's: I am now beginning to teach basic meditation and to lead spiritual discussion groups on the teachings of Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth, The Power of Now), and other spiritual teachings that have had such a profound influence on my life. I still have far to go, but my life today is so peaceful, loving, and pleasant that it was worth everything I had to experience to get here. My purpose in life now is to continue my spiritual evolution and, by teaching what I have learned, help others avoid at least some of the suffering that I went through.

Member Since: Sunday, February 26 2006

Last Visit: 699 days ago.

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